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god will provide
Joke Info
Category : General Jewish
Rating : 3.97
Contributor : rah!
Type : T
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A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live
in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
IF MICROSOFT WERE JEWISH:
1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings.
2. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go. I'm not getting any younger." button.
3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant I should try again?"
4. When disconnecting external devices from your PC, instructions would say "Remove from your PC's tuchis the cable ".
5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu, so play my music already.".
6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant I should fix?" message.
8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult."
9. Manischewitz would advertise that its "monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen.
10. After 20 minutes in an idle state, your PC would go "Schloffen."
11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup.
12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
14. A screen saver for channukah will be "Flying Draidles".
15. High capacity DVB's (digital video bagels) would supercede CD-ROM's
WHAT DID THE WAITER ASK THE GROUP OF JEWISH MOTHER
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"
THE SCHOOL TEACHER'S PRIZE
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion, Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would give $100 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but Angela ignored him in favor of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals.
Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still had his hand in the air.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the $100 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."
CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $100
Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see a big sign posted that says: - 'CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $100.'
Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.
Shlomo turns to him and says, "Abe, what's going on?"
"Shlomo," replies Abe, "I'm thinking of doing it."
Shlomo says, "What, are you crazy?"
Abe thinks for a minute and says, "Shlomo, I'm going to do it."
With that, Abe strides purposely into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.
"So," asks Shlomo, "did you get your $100?"
Abe looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"
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